The Fat Lady Sings

What does Robert Mugabe have in common with 1990’s fake pop stars, Milli Vanilli? “Blame it on the rain” was the duos last number one hit before their lip-synching scandal broke. It also happens to be Uncle Bob’s go-to explanation for Zimbabwe’s food shortages. During his recent visit to the World Expo in Shanghai, China, the octogenarian president said his country’s poor harvests were as a result of “inclement weather.” Many would however blame it on his 20-year reign, citing the disastrous land reform programme which crippled the agricultural sector, the bedrock of Zimbabwe’s economy, and bankrupted the country. Mugabe, though, is not one to dwell on his countrymen’s misfortunes. He was later photographed engaging in some retail therapy in Hong Kong, where he owns a house and his daughter attends university. He reportedly spent the weekend shopping for high-end suits and shoes in the city's Kowloon district.

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"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends" goes a popular 1970s single by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show. Africa’s last absolute monarch, King Mswati III of Swaziland, should have been paying heed. While he was attending to State business in Taiwan, his childhood friend, Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba, was nabbed in bed with the Mswati’s 12th wife, Queen Nothando Dube, a former Miss Teen beauty contestant. The pair were busted by state security agents, who had apparently been following them for weeks, at the lavish Royal Villas Hotel. Though Swazi laws prohibit dishonouring the monarch, this did not stop the agents snapping photos of Mamba emerging head first from underneath the 22-year-old royal's bed where he was attempting to hide. The images later made their way onto the web. Mamba was immediately arrested on the orders of the King, whose mother - the Indlovukazi or Great She-Elephant - has reportedly sent a delegation to Mamba's village to lay charges of "trespassing into another man's home". He could face the death penalty if found guilty, while mother-of-two Dube would be banished from the kingdom.

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In 2003, on the eve of the US invasion of Iraq, the Dixie Chicks, a Texas based country group, declared: “We don't want this war, this violence." Seven years, and over a million Iraqi civilian casualties later, the last US combat troops have left the devastated country. However, 50,000 are staying behind to, according to their commanding officer, Gen. Ray Odierno, “prevent foreign powers from meddling with the new government.” Apparently the Americans do not consider themselves a foreign power in a country six thousand miles from home.

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The US musical duo, Wilderland, and some top music industry veterans recently released a new song titled “Fragile Day” which was written about two years prior to the BP Gulf oil spill, and features lyrics about fish swimming and dying in an oil-filled ocean. To counter such impressions, US President Barack Obama had a White House photographer take a picture oh him and his daughter, Sasha, swimming in the sea off Florida last weekend. The official picture was intended to provide evidence that the region's beaches are back to normal. However, it soon emerged that the President was actually trying to pull a fast one. The private beach on which it was taken, off Alligator Point in St Andrew Bay, north-west Florida, isn't technically in the gulf.

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South Africa’s journalists may soon be singing the blues following government plans to institute a so-called “media tribunal” as well regulate what can be reported on and what constitutes a state secret. The government claims the law under consideration is necessary to limit the damage caused by media houses and their newspapers which they claim represent only a narrow, predominantly “white” interest. Predictably, the controversial head of ANC’s Youth league, Julius Malema, who has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons, declared that the media must be regulated because "they think they are untouchable". The move comes in the wake of news reports that Ebrahim Rasool, who in 2008 was fired as Western Cape premier partly because of allegations that he had bribed journalists to report favourably about him, had been appointed South Africa's ambassador to the United States.

Aid Relief?

"No famine has ever taken place in the history of the world in a functioning democracy."
Amartya Sen

Phoney Wars

Veni, Vidi and all that!

Cabinet Reshuffle

Grand Vizier Ruto

POTUS on Vacation

Planting Democracy, Pierre?

The Last Word

Somalia’s reputation has taken a battering over the past two decades as a result of incessant conflict. However, one of the warring parties has come up with a novel approach to marketing the country as a destination –make getting married there cheap. The Ahlu-Sunna Waljamaa group, which controls the central regions of the war-torn country and is allied to the internationally-backed Transitional Federal Government, has set new rules for weddings taking place in areas under their authority. The strictures include a ban on long vehicle convoys. These can sometimes have as many as 50 cars, which the militants consider to be extravagant and un-Islamic. Consequently, wedding the wedding parties have been limited to a maximum of 3 cars. However, wedding tourists may be put off by the requirement that, according to one Ahlu Sunna commander, there be no celebration after the end of a week long honeymoon “when the couple are over with their whatever.”

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The board of directors at the world’s largest technology firm, HP, is fighting to restore its good name following the less than quiet departure of the firm’s chief executive. Mark Hurd was forced to resign after he failed to tell the board about a personal relationship with a female marketing contractor who was hired by his office. Additionally, he allegedly falsified expense reports for dinners he had with Jodie Fisher, a 50 year-old an actress and businesswoman whom the company was paying up to $5,000 per event to greet people and make introductions at events. In what must serve as a cautionary tale for executives everywhere, the details of Hurd’s malfeasance only came to light after Fisher sued him –get this- for sexual harassment. Now, some of his friends, including Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, have publicly challenged the decision to remove him, noting that he was getting stick from both ends without benefit of a carrot (the relationship with Fisher was never consummated).

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Marketers will tell you that a Brand Proposition is the bundle of benefits promised by any brand. For example, the slogan for JetBlue Airways, an American low-cost carrier, promises “Happy Jetting.” However, last Monday, this was a promise that the company spectacularly failed to keep on the tarmac at Kennedy International Airport. Following a dispute with a passenger who stood to fetch luggage too soon, career flight attendant Steven Slater got on the public-address intercom and let loose a string of invective before making the most dramatic of exits. Grabbing a beer (or two, no one’s really sure) from the beverage cart not only from the plane, the probably-now-unemployed 38 year old deployed the emergency evacuation chute and slid down. He then ran to the employee parking lot and drove off, the authorities said.

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It might be accurate to say that Goldman Sachs, the Wall Street firm which recently agreed to pay $550 million to settle charges of selling mortgage securities secretly designed to help a hedge-fund cash in on the housing market's collapse, has soiled it image. Just don’t use a four-letter equivalent. In the wake of embarrassing profanity that came to light in recent Congressional hearings, the company has banned employees from swearing in emails. "[B]oy, that timberwo[l]f was one s****y deal," declared a 2007 email that was repeatedly referred to at the hearing. Now the company has employed screening software to catch naughty words, even those disguised by asterixes. In fact, so effective is the new software that the injunction itself had to be delivered to employees verbally.

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New Delhi is infamous for its unruly motorists who routinely ignore red lights, and other inconvenient traffic rules, to find open routes –much like our matatus. Now, the city’s traffic police have turned to a well known brand for help. Within two months of the cops starting a Facebook page where people could post photographs of traffic violations, digital informants had posted almost 3,000 photographs and dozens of videos. According to Joint Commissioner of Police (Traffic), Satyendra Garg, using the license plate numbers shown in the images to track vehicle owners, Delhi Traffic Police have issued close to 700 tickets. Almost 50 these went to police officers.

Faceless

We Kenyans never learn!

Stoneface

Dictating Democracy?

Al-Shabaab Score Own Goal

The soccer-hating Al-Shabaab terror gang has found itself in financial difficulties following the heinous attacks in Kampala. The twin bombings targeted crowds watching the World Cup final and killed 76 people. The militant's benefactors in the Somali Diaspora apparently think that is 76 murders too many. If only they attached the same value to Somali lives...

Another Pakistani Refugee

The Last Word

Vox populi, vox Dei is an old Latin proverb which means “The voice of the people is the voice of God.” But don’t tell the Kenyan clergy that. After their campaign to persuade Kenyans to reject a new draft constitution floundered at the ballot box, Church leaders claimed that the Almighty might not have spoken too clearly, citing "malpractices and irregularities" in the referendum process. In a press conference convened after it became plain that the constitution had been approved by an overwhelming majority, the clerics sought to ease the passing by declaring that they had played a prophetic role in warning the nation of dangers posed by contentious issues. Their boss evidently does not agree.

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No news is good news, another saying goes. But apparently not good enough for authorities in Zimbabwe. During an annual safety drill at the Harare International Airport, the country’s Civil Aviation Authority told journalists rushing to the scene following reports of smoke over the runway and ambulances heading towards the airport, that a plane had been involved in an accident. "I can confirm that a 767 plane coming from London has had an accident at Harare airport," said David Chawota, head of the Authority. Later, at a news conference at the airport, he claimed that the information had been given out to make the drill realistic. "Telling the media was part of the exercise. We wanted to see how the media would react." One would assume it obvious that journalists would react by reporting the news.

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“The King is dead. Long live the King!” is a traditional proclamation made following the accession of a new monarch in various countries, such as the United Kingdom. However, it is a phrase that will not be heard when incumbents in six of South Africa's 13 traditional monarchies pass on. The kingdoms have effectively been abolished following a six-year government study which concluded that they were created by the former apartheid administration to divide the people. "We urge all communities to accept the findings in the spirit of correcting the wrongs of the past, and as part of the country's nation-building efforts," said President Jacob Zuma. He probably had in mind the nation-building effect of discounting the annual subsidy that each king receives.

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“Politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians,” declared Charles de Gaulle. And it seems that celebrities across the world agree. Last week, hip hop star Wyclef Jean jumped on the bandwagon announcing he would run for presidency of Haiti. The announcement sets the stage for an interfamily election battle between the three-time Grammy Award-winning musician and his uncle, Raymond Joseph, a former ambassador to the United States. In Liberia, former world Footballer of the Year, George Weah, has declared that he will easily defeat President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf in next year’s presidential poll since the election will no longer turn on “who knows more book”.

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Absolute power may corrupt absolutely, but little power can be just as dangerous, as the masterminds of the Kampala bombings found out. They had planned to detonate a third bomb using explosives attached to a mobile phone. However, despite repeated calls to the number, the device failed to explode because the phone battery was low. Police were then able to track them down using the phone records. Interestingly, days before the bombings, the suspects had apparently made incessant calls to their landlords in Kenya promising to settle outstanding electricity bills.

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Dogs are said to be man’s best friend. The truth of this adage was once again proven in the US State of Michigan when Jerry Douthett's canine companion saved his life by….chewing off his toe. Kiko, a Jack Russell terrier, apparently sensed an infection in Douthett's right big toe and munched on it while his master was passed out after a day of drinking. A trip to the hospital confirmed the dog’s diagnosis which alerted doctors to Douthett's Type 2 diabetes. The infection had reached the bone and the medics completed Kiko’s procedure by amputating what was left of the toe.

Back to School

Black- Flagged

Holesome

Kamangu Gets Last Laugh

The Last Word

Kenyans have more reason than most to be cynical given the shenanigans their politicians get up to. However, this week’s row between President Mwai Kibaki and ex-president Daniel Arap Moi over whose reform credentials are worse plumbed new depths. Kibaki, who supports a yes vote in this week’s referendum on a new constitution, started it off with an attack on Moi’s campaign for a rejection of the draft. Obviously forgetting his own track record of broken promises and manipulation, the President sought to remind Kenyans that Moi had spent the better part of his nearly two and a half decades in power fighting off calls for reform. It was an oversight that the ex-President was only too happy to correct. Moi then suffered his own bout of selective amnesia, saying that the 2008 post-election violence would never have occurred under his leadership, though many will recall the so-called “tribal clashes” that accompanied elections in 1992 and 1997. In a quick rejoinder, Kibaki asserted that his reform credentials did not require any defence. Begging your pardon, Mr. President, but they do. In your case, Mr. ex-President, it is plainly (oxy)moronic to even contemplate such credentials.

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This was not a good week to visit the Delmas district of South Africa’s Mpumalanga province. A runaway Bengal tiger named Panjo was on the loose for nearly a day after he escaped from the back of a truck on Tuesday. Prior to his recapture the following day, his owners, who hand-reared the 17-month-old from a cub, had some interesting advise for anyone encountering him. On seeing Panjo, they said, one should point a stick at him and say "No", or toss him a chicken to eat. He apparently prefers Chicken Carry.

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A beast of a different sort was on the loose during the African Union summit in Kampala. There, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi's Presidential guards were involved in a tussle with Ugandan Presidential guards at the opening of the summit. It was a rematch of the 2008 fight between the two security units during the inauguration of the Gaddafi National Mosque in Old Kampala. Back then the quarrel was about who should control the entrance, and negotiations were conducted via fist fights and flying kicks. On Sunday, some of Gadaffi’s guards tried to force their way through the Ugandan Presidential Guard Brigade cordon but were firmly resisted. The ensuing grab-and-drag scuffle only died down following the intervention of the Libyan Ambassador to Uganda.

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You may have heard of the adventures of Sinbad the Sailor, a fictional sailor from Basrah. While sailing the seas east of Africa and South Asia, Sinbad has fantastic adventures going to magical places, meeting monsters, and encountering supernatural phenomena. Therefore it may surprise you to learn the Sinbad was not only real, but also Chinese. Last week, Chinese archaeologists arrived in Kenya to begin the work of identifying a wreck off the country’s coast which is believed to have belonged to China's 15th century Admiral Zheng He. Some historians believe his seven epic voyages at the head of what was then the world's mightiest fleet, with 300 ships and as many as 30,000 troops, inspired the tales of Sinbad. Zheng's armada made it to south-east Asia, the Middle East, Africa and, according widely disputed accounts, America several decades before Christopher Columbus famously stumbled on the continent.

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The Chinese influence on America is evident from the continuing popularity of acupuncture. However, this is not always a good thing as a certain native of the US state of Washington found out recently. She apparently had to pull needles out of her back and call police after staff forgot about her and went home. The 47-year-old was still on the treatment table when she realised that the acupuncturist had left. When she tried to leave, she found the doors locked.

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New York is sometimes described as the city that never sleeps. And here’s the reason why: bedbugs. Complaints about the blood-sucking insects have increased by 40% in the past three years. No respecters of power and privilege (among those affected were former US President Bill Clinton, who battled an outbreak in his Harlem office), the bugs have woken up city authorities who now plan to spend $500,000 on an information campaign telling the public of how to kill them off (the mites not the mayor) and finally put the issue to bed.